Your presence is always felt closely. You pursued me persistently until achieving your goal, and now it seems you are here to stay. This is not a love letter praising you, Depression; it is a declaration of embracing you and uncovering your positive contributions. I choose to acknowledge you, comprehend you, and build a connection. This is how I am slowly regaining control over my life.
Before you came into my life, I had a clear mind, appreciation for life, and was driven. However, you slowly crept into my thoughts, making yourself at home. Your approach was subtle, catching me by surprise. As time passed, you started to manipulate my reality. Eventually, I reached a breaking point. I tried to push you away, to resist your influence, but you persisted longer than I could. That was the day you stripped me of everything and snuffed out the light in my world.
I withdrew from society, isolated. I would sit outside without being able to appreciate the birdsong or the sunlight filtering through the leaves. I enviously watched the birch trees swaying in the wind, seemingly unaffected by their surroundings, unlike me, who could easily break with just one word or glance. My connection with my family deteriorated as you told me to seclude myself and then scolded me harshly for following your instructions. You implanted in me the idea that my family would be happier without me. The mere thought of myself made me physically ill. Through deceit and manipulation, you were able to reach the top, but now your grip on power is starting to slip.
Prior to our paths crossing, I was always wearing a mask, concealing my authentic self under facades in an effort to evade judgment and chase external approval. I craved affection, approval, and acknowledgment, convinced that my value depended on how others perceived me. Yet, as our bond grew stronger and during times of self-reflection, I started to understand an important truth: the most essential validation comes from myself.
Initially, it was simple for you to exploit me, manipulating my thoughts and actions to make me do things I never thought possible. However, as our relationship has grown, I have started to see through your deceptions. Your tricks are becoming more evident, you're losing control, and your cards are showing. In desperation, your presence is now stronger than ever when you come to visit. And though you may still have moments of control, the long months of manipulation have come to an end. What you overlooked is that your persistence allowed me to truly understand you, and now I am prepared to grow from your presence and face you.
Similar to an unwanted guest who overstays their welcome, I've learned to navigate the delicate balance between maintaining harmony and addressing challenges. I've developed adaptability and resilience, anticipating your actions and mitigating their impact. I've mastered turning your poor jokes into shared laughter and swiftly tidying up after you create a mess. I've realized that while you influence my environment, you don't control my overall quality of life.
In the silence, I have embraced my authentic self wholeheartedly. I am now open to seizing opportunities I would have shied away from in the past, making space for myself, and setting boundaries. I have grown more open and vulnerable with those I trust. I have developed a greater sense of self-worth, acknowledging my strengths, flaws, and dreams, and I accept myself unconditionally. I no longer feel compelled to sacrifice my ambitions to ensure the comfort of others or you. These are some of the gifts you have granted me.
I appreciate the knowledge gained from this difficult yet life-changing experience. I now stand firm in my own beliefs, freed from the need for external validation, and confident in my ability to define my own worth. This newfound self-awareness and self-acceptance have brought me a sense of inner peace and fulfillment. You gave me time to contemplate life and death and figure out what it means to live; what drives me to want to live. I am grateful for what you have given me, Depression, despite your efforts to strip everything from me.
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